Getting Better Sleep: Part Three

In addition to having a busy schedule, another really common obstacle in the way of people getting a good night sleep is their own anxiety around sleep. Sleep anxiety is quite common: the more pressure we put on ourselves to do something, the more we’re not relaxed about it, and the harder it is to get ourselves to do it. With sleep, that’s even harder than the average activity because it necessitates you relax! This can be super frustrating, for obvious reasons. You can’t sleep, so you get anxious about how that’s going to effect you tomorrow, which in turn increases tension and cortisol in the body, which in turn continues to keep you from sleeping. Then, the next night, you might be anxious just looking at the bed thinking “ugh not again. I hope tonight isn’t like last night” and without meaning to, recall the body and mind states you were in when you couldn’t sleep, bringing back last night’s stage of sleep instead of starting with a new one. It can become a nasty cycle.

Do not picture a red car driving down the road with green trees lining both sides of the road.

You couldn’t help yourself, could you? When we tell our brain not to think about something, we kind of compulsively picture it in our mind. When emotions are involved, it also cues us to feel how we felt before. The body doesn’t know time, so last night is tonight is now: it doesn’t know the difference. Bringing up last nights anxieties then, just cues the body to experience the same struggles.

What TO think about

So if you’re not supposed to think about the hard stuff, how do you not think about it if you can’t think about not thinking about it?! We think about OTHER things, of course. When you notice you’re thinking about something that will likely keep you from being able to sleep tonight, practice building up your awareness of doing so and interrupting your own thoughts. Simply tell yourself: Self (whatever name you call yourself), stop. Let it go. Then, either invite yourself to bring your attention to your body, breath, or a more helpful thought. Repeat.

Temptation bundling

In addition to practicing stopping unhelpful thoughts, it is extremely helpful to start incorporating positive thoughts and focuses instead. By practicing something called “temptation bundling,” you pair something that needs to be done with something you want to do.

Creating a bed time ritual(s) can therefore help you to let go of other thoughts about the day and bring you back to the present moment. Concentrating on the task at hand can be very soothing and stress relieving. Anxiety lives in the mind, anticipating problems of the future and remembering past stressors. If we’re living in the present, we can’t be anxious. Anxiety is always focused on something that’s about to happen or might happen. It can’t live in the present.

I love short cuts. And saving time. And not expending energy. So, let’s short cut anxiety. If it can’t live in the present, but you can, then that means that you can live without it. Here are some of my friends and clients favorite ways to temptation bundle that helped them create a bedtime ritual to overcome anxiety:

· Making a favorite non-caffeinated tea

· Using a favorite body moisturizer on dryer places of the body

· Brushing and flossing your teeth

· Engaging in a facial skin care routine that focuses on nightly renewal

· Rereading a favorite book, article, or blog

· Dimming the lighting or turning on a special night time only (flameless) candle or light(s)

· Turning on some relaxing music

· Journaling about the positive things that happened today, and setting a goal you have for yourself for tomorrow

· Practicing a mindfulness or grounding technique

· Watching some ASMR videos

· Trying a tried and true or a brand new meditation routine

· Having some cuddle time with a pet

You might have noticed that some of those rituals sounded more appealing to you than others. You may also have noticed that a few regular night time chores are slipped in there too and be wondering, why? Well, a ritual is a ritual: it doesn’t have to be pleasurable to still be a ritual that helps cue the brain that it’s time to go to bed. In addition, just because something is a “chore” doesn’t mean it can’t be pleasurable. At my last dentist visit, the man really tried to sell me on turning my habit of brushing my teeth into an experience of “three minutes of you-time, spa like.” He’s not wrong. It’s all about perspective. If you believe you don’t like doing something and it’s not enjoyable, it won’t be. But if you try to reframe it and maybe make a change or two to make it more enjoyable, not only could it be, but it will likely be easier to do more consistently.

And yes, I did have a cavity. So, we’re trying the spa like, three minutes of “you time” between cleanings this time. No promises, but hey, why not give it a try?

I also definitely recommend incorporating a partner or someone else you might live with into your nightly routine, including furry friends. What is something you might like to do together? Have a conversation about the day after dinner but just before bed time? Read a bed time story? Recall a past favorite memory you share together or want to share with them? Trade foot massages? Go for a walk after dinner, have a treat and belly rub before bed. See if there’s something you both or all like to do, and start with that. Then add more until you get it just right. If you normally feel anxious for an hour and a half before bed and are being avoidant of emotions so you keep watching Netflix, replace that time with time spent engaging in your rituals. Rather than zoning out, zone in, zoom in. Back on the small tasks that you do before bed, including bits that you actually like. Maybe even take a bit longer on those parts.

Bedtime awaits!

This week, I would love to see you practice thought stopping and redirecting from your anxious thoughts. If that seems hard, it’s because it is! Though effective, sometimes folks do need professional support in beginning to change their thoughts; if you find that’s the case for you, you might consider reaching out for even a few sessions of thought changing support. In addition, this week I really want you to try out some new bed time rituals, by yourself or with someone else, as well as get more intentional about existing bed rituals you already have. For example, if you normally put your phone on the charger at night before you go to bed, get intentional on saying “goodnight” to your phone and all the outside information that comes with it at night. Remind your body and mind that it’s time to stop inputting data, to switch to just focusing on what’s around you, and get ready for a big snooze to help process all the data you took on in the day. Try some things out. Fail. Try again. Try something different. Try something I didn’t even suggest! Be bold. I believe in you!

After a week of trying this out, go ahead and move forward to the next blog in the series. Next week, we’ll talk about how to address what to do if you’re finding that you’re not sleepy at bed time… and ways to change it! See you then!