Decreasing Anxiety in 7 Steps: Step 5

Welcome to Step Five! Up to this point, you’ve spent time learning about anxiety abstractly and personally as well as have spent some energy in gathering information about how it’s effecting your life and those around you. Then, you invested time in beginning to look through and try out some coping skills to help you manage the problems that excessive anxiety has brought up in your life. For the past week or so, you may have begun really implementing this new or increased awareness, reflection, and set of coping skills with some success and some struggles to do so. As it turns out, most people struggle at least some of the time with the next phase of managing anxiety at actually putting this knowledge and these tools into practice. Our next step, therefore, is devoted to working on overcoming barriers at starting and maintaining this work.

Step Five: Implementation:

You can spend hours and hours researching a problem you struggle with, trying to find out from experts and regular people how to best deal with what you’re going through and looking for a way out. The fact that you’re now here, at Step 5, is proof of the time and energy commitment that taking care of our mental health can bring. Unfortunately, just learning about anxiety and putting together a toolkit of strategies isn’t going to override the necessity of actually doing the work of spending even more time really taking care of yourself. For those of us with body and energy limitations, it can feel daunting and be really difficult in building a consistent self care practice. Let’s take some time to go over the real world struggles I often hear about (and of course, personally experience!) coming up for folks who are working on their wellness.

I’m just too busy

Most of us go through times in our lives where we are literally just too busy to even be able to consider or imagine the possibility of adding one more single thing to our day. The mental energy that our daily tasks can ask of us, let alone the physical, can make it seem impossible to make time to take care of ourselves. Whether your busy schedule is because of work, school, relationships, volunteering or other obligations, or any combination of these, life can already seem overwhelming enough without adding in more “self care” that you have to find the time for.

I don’t have time to take care of myself when I have to take care of everybody else

Being too busy is especially true for womxn who are socialized to be emotional and literal caretakers of those around us, and put our own needs last. Doing this can become so second nature, that folks often argue about the ability to live life any other way, and often, for very good, very logical reasons. More than anything else, what I hear from my clients is something along the lines of: “it’s not worth the fight of getting them to do it themselves. Let’s say I do, I probably have to ask them ten times and feel like I’m nagging them until they finally do it. Or, I’ll obsess over whether or not it got done for hours instead of just taking the 10 minutes to do it myself, and it’s not worth the anxiety of that, either.” Let’s not belittle the stress: there are some things that literally have to get done or it could cause additional stress and chaos in your life or the life of your family. And some things, like literal caregiving and perhaps getting someone their medicine, can be a huge responsibility that cannot be shirked or delegated to folks who aren’t 100% committed.

And, it’s crazy making. Taking on responsibilities for other people and trying to make sure everyone is okay is part of the human condition; especially for womxn. Just because it’s normal, typical, or common, doesn’t mean it’s easy and doesn’t make it okay, especially when there are other options.

I’ll level with you: sometimes, there’s not. There’s literally no one else that can give your family member their medication, take them to work/school/medical appointments, advocate for your medical or mental health needs, or do that project at work. There’s nothing you can do, but get it done. Failure is not an option. Failure could mean even worse things happening, for you or those you love.

You’ve probably heard this analogy before, and if you’re already my client, you definitely have heard it from me: if you’re flying on an airplane, the flight attendants always tell us to “put your own oxygen mask on before helping those around you.” Why? Because literally, you will pass out and not be able to take care of yourself, let alone anyone else, if you don’t first secure your own oxygen line. And to be real, if you’re passed out and not okay, you’re now a responsibility for someone else to help, and sometimes, there isn’t anyone else who can. So on the plane and in the real world, the only option, is to actually take care of yourself first, to both secure your own wellness, and those you’re responsible for. If you don’t, I promise you it will create even more time consuming problems for you and your family down the line. If not now, tenfold later.

I’m not saying you can magically create time or add more hours to your day. But I am saying, in the long game, making time for your self and your wellness, is not an option for survival: it is mandatory. Whatever “self care” and “wellness” means to you, and it usually is a moving target with ever evolving needs, it does need to get addressed for both your physical and mental health. Sometimes we have to start small, say spend a literal 5 minutes a day doing one tiny self care thing, until we can add in more over time. Sometimes we have to go even smaller than that when days feel too chaotic: I’ve absolutely had folks say “well, I really didn’t get to it every day, but the day after we met and this morning, I did manage to do it.” That’s great! That’s a small, manageable step in the RIGHT direction. Again, this is END GAME stuff. It’s not going to happen overnight, especially when you’re horrendously, mind consumingly busy. And, we can work towards it. We can take what I call “bite sized steps” towards our longer term goals. Every day you did it, is a day you didn’t miss. It’s a day you put yourself as a priority and invested in yourself and thus, your family, your community, and the world.

I don’t have the spoons

For those in my practice who deal with chronic pain or illness for themselves, it can be extremely difficult to add in more self care on top of everything else you have to do to manage your wellness. Sure, it would be great to create a soothing kit, but that maybe that would require a trip to the store, some creativity, hard thinking and decision making, and actually putting it altogether. For those who are consistently managing life activities based on whether or not they have the energy to do so and if the effort and energy spent in doing “self care” will actually outweigh the cost of what it does to your body, pain, or if it’ll mean the difference in you having the energy to make it to work or a social event tomorrow, you have to weigh the pros and cons of every decision you make. Talk about end game stuff. You have to really weigh in what you need in the short term with how it effects you in the long term in a unique, and really difficult way.

If you identify with these statements and haven’t already heard of spoon theory, please take the time to learn more about it so that you can understand your own limitations better, teach others how to communicate and understand your struggles more effectively, and work on accepting the limitations that chronic pain and illness bring to decrease negative self talk and shaming around it.

https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

Dealing with limited energy and ability of course is going to shape the success of your implementation of coping skills and self care. My best advice to spoonies is to practice attention to how much spoons each type of self care costs, and sometimes choose your self care activity based on energy cost for today and tomorrow (IE: if it takes 0 spoons to watch TV versus half of your daily spoons to do art and you have a big day tomorrow, even if your heart really wants to do art, you might have to settle for TV until you have a better spoon day or less to do the next day). When you plan your week with appointments, work, and social activities, calculate the cost and add in self care that will help you through it but not take too much from you in and of itself.

Fear of what others will do or say

Aside of how it will directly effect others and their reactions, which we’ll explore at length below, let’s first give space for a nasty word: judgment. We’re human, so we’re social creatures, taught to fear judgment of others than could hurt our access to support and resources. It’s a totally normal thing to fear judgment and thus criticism. When you start making changes, people may judge you out of their own lack of understanding for what you’re doing and why. If they struggle with their own complacency in “how things are” and in-the-box-living, seeing someone trying to better themselves and stop settling for less than they need and deserve may make them judgmental. And they may share those judgments aloud, to you or others. It is a risk we take in doing what we believe we truly need to for our health and well being: not everyone is going to agree with our conclusions, because not everyone is going to understand what we’re going through and our own individual struggles. And that’s okay!: but their judgment doesn’t predicate that we don’t act. That we don’t implement the changes we need to live better, healthier lives. It doesn’t feel good to feel judged, but neither does living anxious lives.

Now, when you’re responsible for the welfare of others, whether it’s out of necessity or has developed on accident or on purpose after weeks, months, or years, you pulling back and prioritizing your own needs, even if it’s only every once in a while, is very likely going to have a noticeable, direct effect on others. And to be honest with you, they may not like it. I’ve met many a doting partner who has built their thought processes and daily actions around the needs or wants of their spouse or person. Often it’s been that way for so long, that they’ve both become complacent that “That’s just how it is” and can’t fathom it changing, even when it’s causing harm to one or both partners. This can be equally true between parents and children; whether the parents are consistently bailing the kiddos out of a problem or the other way around, these patterns of behavior have happened for so long, and probably persisted even when one person has tried to change it, that hope for something different has been long given up.

Caretaking can take a lot of focus and energy for people in ways that they may not realize are slowly (or quickly) building up and burdening them over time. It can be in a million small ways, like: setting their alarm, putting their clothes out, planning meals, doing the cleaning, getting the gas for the car, reloading funds onto an account, calling around for information or appointment scheduling, picking them up something at the store, or wearing their favorite color. Or, it can be in some bigger, more invasive ways like: never buying or making a certain food because they can’t stand it, not being able to wear something for what they will say or criticize you for, avoiding sharing thoughts, needs, or opinions that you know are in contrast to theirs or what they believe you should think, need, or feel, or even not making important and necessary career or schooling changes because they dislike change or need you to have that job for whatever reason that benefits them, not you.

With things like this, you can see that they have an investment in you continuing to do what you do, maybe what you always have done. But that doesn’t mean that it’s what’s best for you any longer. Maybe, at some point, you really didn’t mind, liked being needed, or had the extra time and it was an expression of love or loyalty to do things like these. Over time, however, caretaking roles can become thankless jobs that others take for granted and can lead to you feeling a build up of resentment and usually, anxiety.

The same can be true for those who are in the “too busy” bracket; if you’re already “never around” and feel as though or are told that you aren’t “there” for others, taking time to recover from your too busy schedule and make time for something that truly feels rejuvenating or confronting feelings that are long overdue could bring you some grief. The reality is, when you have a lot of obligations, and when the majority of those obligations feel stressful, you will sometimes need time away from all of them in order to regain balance and tune back in with your internal world to improve your health holistically.

How do you change these deeply ingrained roles? How do you make waves? Especially when it could cause a host of other problems? Are your needs really that big of a deal? Are they even reasonable? There’s a hundred thousand ways as humans that we avoid creating conflict with people we care about. Womxn in particular become pros at minimizing their needs, how hard something is for them, and in even knowing what they really want because it’s just never been an option.

Again. Often, they’re not going to like it. Even if they say they do, or want what’s best for you, or just for you to be happy, the likelihood is, there’s going to be consequences of changes that no one anticipates and that are not appreciated. And it may make you go back to questioning yourself or they may go back on their word, or both. And it may happen again. And again. And with some relationships, it may even result in you taking a break from communication, having a fight, or even ending the relationship because they cannot tolerate the changes that are happening. It will be sad, and you will grieve the loss and the hurt that happens from these things.

And, you will not regret it. Not really. There will be passing waves of sadness, sure. But coming in to being your True Self, being more authentic, getting your needs met, being more assertive, and finding fuller, more fulfilling relationships will not be something you regret. You will not want your old life back, or your old anxieties.

What would it even be like to not be anxious? To not spend all of this time preoccupied with what I worry about?

As you’ve probably gathered, I’ve met many a person who has made a full time career out of worrying. Worrying has become a superpower. Being anxious and managing this state has taken up the majority of their life, energy, and state of being. Over time, they’ve become so used to being a “worrier” or “anxious person,” that it’s become woven into their identity and they don’t know who they are separate from it anymore. They don’t know how else to think, spend their time, or their energy, because it’s just become “normal.” Not that they like it, but they know it. It’s familiar. In some ways, it’s easy, because you know what to expect. Rather than focusing on things you can control but that are scary and elicit other feelings, maybe you focus on things that are “what if’s” and out of your control, because it’s easier to worry about the world of possibilities than feel deep feelings about what actually is happening in your life.

These are called “secondary gains:” things a person gets out of having a presenting problem like anxiety. Sure, anxiety is stressful, may cause physical health problems, and consumes your time and budget with doctor appointments, medicine, talking, researching, and managing… but you don’t have to face the deep feelings about what is actually wrong in your life otherwise. You may be anxious about a relationship without allowing yourself to feel other, deeper, what I call “base” emotions. Typically, these are hurt, grief, fear, and sometimes, even anger or resentment. Being anxious about what the other person is or isn’t doing takes the focus away from yourself in some ways by avoiding questions like: what are you going to do about deep seeded problems that haven’t changed? How will you face really trying to change yourself or a relationship and what will you do if that means ending or greatly changing the relationship? If it means facing confrontation, conflict, and other people’s feelings towards you for doing it, can you do it?

It is NOT easy to be anxious. It is NOT easy to have panic attacks. It is NOT easy to worry about what’s wrong with you and spend hours trying to just be well. To just be you. And, for some, all of this, which is extremely difficult, is still easier than facing other types of emotions and problems. It doesn’t mean your anxiety isn’t well founded or false, it just means, there’s more going on than meets the eye. Isn’t that always the case.

Doing it, and doing it, and doing it well

It’s up to you how you spend your time and energy, and who you spend it on. Not everything is in our control, and not everything feels like we have a choice. And, some things are. Sometimes, we do.

Overcoming anxiety isn’t about finally changing another person, making someone understand something, or finding a magic pill or treatment that will finally fix it all. It’s about finding ways to make time for ourselves. To take control of what we can, and let go of the rest. And repeat. Again, and again, and again. Because when we’re first coming out of an anxiety mindset, it takes a lot of practice to learn how to exist in a different way. We are ever growing, ever changing beings with ever changing needs. Our toolkits and strategies for self care will evolve with us and change over time, as will the frequency with which you need to do them. There’s this paradox that ends up happening with self care: the more you do, the less you need.

I believe in you. You can do this. On your own or with some trained, professional support. It will be difficult, it will be a long journey, and you will be better for it. Investing in yourself is never time wasted.